One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
We’ve all heard the saying “one step forward and two steps back.” It’s a saying filled with shame and failure of growth. But why does it have to be that way? Why can’t we flip it around to “two steps forward, one step back”? Yes, I’m an eternal optimist but really, why can’t we turn this and change the perspective around whatever has you stuck? It’s simple math: 1 step – 2 steps = -1 step. If we switch this thing around it’s a +1 step. Moving forward is what matters. This blog is a clusterf!@# of mindset, storytelling, change, and self. My own Chicken Soup for the Soul book that I hope you get something from!
If you’re anything like me, I get excited and plan something like a new exercise regimen. It’s absolutely perfect by the science—the reps, sets, and progressions will get me looking the way I want to by June 18th at 9:56pm. I start the workouts guns a blazing and go through with it for about two weeks’ time.
Right on cue: I miss one workout due to life or the need to rest my poor body that went 0 to 100, and instead of giving myself grace, I shut down, quit, and the whole exercise plan was a complete failure.
This has been a constant cycle throughout my adult life. Although my goals of looking good via exercise are long gone and replaced with being able to function at 80, this cycle could be seen in many aspects of my life. One of the people I look up to regarding functional medicine is Erin Holt, The Funk’tional Nutritionist, and she said something that made me do some deep diving (one of many ‘mic drops’ that she is full of). She said:
“Perfectionists are the greatest quitters.”
This made me think because I’ve never seen myself as a ‘perfectionist’—I’m not OCD or a control freak (unless I’m in the car—I need to be the driver), which is what I correlated perfectionism to be. Well, wonder why I haven’t posted a blog in over 8 months? Hmm, maybe it’s because I was basing my information’s worth on views. Having less views on my 2nd post compared to my 1st was a complete failure in my mind. And I quit. Sound silly? I know, I get it! But growth baby, I’m here today.
Going further inward, I noted that the fear of failure had a grip around my neck. The reason being: I did not want to fail, and anything less than perfect was a failure. I have been literally making my own desired endeavors impossible to achieve because I wouldn’t even get started in the first place due to the possibility of failure.
Do a little mental exercise with me. What are two main goals you have in life? It can be short-term or long-term. It can be about the physical or mental or emotional or spiritual body. It can be familial or occupational. Whatever you got—just think about it or write it down. 3,2,1. Go.
**Jeopardy music playing**
Okay, question. Did your goals begin with “I want” or “I need”? Hmm?
Verbiage is everything when it comes to our own beliefs and inner dialogue. I’m going to oversimplify this concept. Many of us ‘want’ to be healthy, so a goal may be ‘I want to walk four days a week for 30 minutes’ OR it could be ‘I need to walk four days a week for 30 minutes.’ What’s the difference? Say those two sentences out loud. Does one hit different than the other? Our body doesn’t know the difference between our reality vs. what we tell our brains. Read that again. If we tell our brain that walking is a need, it’s going to treat it as such, and your brain is going to take your happy ass down the street. Just like breathing is a need. Needing something takes action whereas wanting something just takes thought.
Time to get vulnerable here because I’m human and not perfect—see doing some practice here myself! A prime example of the want and need inner dialogue happened recently. Long story short, Kasey came to me and told me she’s done drinking alcohol. Nothing crazy happened to get to that decision but there came a point where she was just done—over it. At this time, I was eight months pregnant, so I was situationally sober. I didn’t know how my thought process would be after giving birth—a glass of bubbly Prosecco or an ice-cold Miller Lite may be calling my name.
When she told me this, I had a sigh of relief, and a weight was lifted from my body. I didn’t know why at the time. A lot of great memories were had with friends and family over some beers. It allowed me to ‘let loose,’ so I thought. Little did I know, it kept me locked up in the past—unable to make new connections, grow, or become the person I have forever dreamed of.
After having Murphy, I was ‘free’ to indulge in a drink or two, but something just kept coming over me saying “you don’t need it.” I didn’t even want it—even in situations when I would normally have a drink in my hand like watching football or having a steak dinner. I don’t want a nice glass of Cab with my steak? Who am I? What has gotten into me?
Kasey reiterated time and time again that she did not care if I had drinks at all as it was her decision to not drink. I had an inner pressure to have a drink to show I’m not some codependent son-of-a-gun. The pressure kept building with every interaction with friends and family that we normally have drinks with. But something kept me from doing so.
What was it then?
Listening to my higher self–which had a different set of desired values and new heights for me to reach. I wanted actual relationship and connection with family and friends.
I talked to Kasey about the pressure I was feeling and realized that I had been ‘sober curious’ for a long time. I explained I have wanted to stop drinking, BUT I had a fear of ‘letting people down,’ ‘not being a fun friend,’ or grappled over ‘what will Kasey and I do for fun if we’re not going out for an afternoon beer or sharing a bottle of wine?’ Being a self-inflicted people pleaser, I just couldn’t pull the trigger.
Point being: The difference between being afraid to stop drinking and not drinking is the swapping of two words. I want to stop drinking vs. I need to stop drinking. Wanting to stop was a thought, a dream and needing to stop was an action toward the ever-evolving values at this point in my life.
So I’m sure by now you are asking “what does this have to do with taking one step forward and two steps back *oh, shit* I mean two steps forward and one step back?” Well story time again! And as an aside, I promise this isn’t a post about quitting alcohol consumption and that you should do it too—this is just my living example of the concept of mindset and the importance of abundance rather than depletion.
When I drank alcohol, I always felt like I was drowning in this thing called life. I couldn’t get ahead. I wasn’t living the life I preached about. A lot of negative self-talk, shame, getting what I thought was adequate sleep but feeling groggy every morning, and honestly not being the wife and mom I knew I was capable of being. When I felt motivated, I would strive to make that exercise regimen, eat whole foods, hydrate, read more, and listen to self-improvement podcasts. I’d hit my typical two-week mark, go to a weekend event where drinking would occur, my positive changes would stop the Monday after, and all momentum was shut down. One step forward and three steps back. A cycle. I was on a hamster wheel of stress production while running myself ragged of any resources I had.
I see this a lot today. Society makes stress stressful. We’re stressed, but we make the conscious choice to stress the body even more through prioritizing phone scrolls over sleep, eating like shit, and little to no exercise. In my opinion, we’re becoming too comfortable, and comfortability is killing us.
Stress can be good. Yes, you heard me right (or read that right, I should say). Mitochondria which is *everyone say it with me*, “the powerhouse of the cell,” is most abundant in our muscles and brain where energy is in high demand. Another common phrase that relates to mitochondria is “if you don’t use it, you lose it.” I’m not going to bore you with all things mitochondrial dysfunction, but there is a fascinating concept called mitohormesis.
It’s the process of challenging the body just enough to create resilience through exercise, mental challenges such as brushing your teeth with your weak hand, caloric restriction, and thermal stressors (saunas/cold plunges). Through these challenges, damaged and unhealthy mitochondria are flushed out while new, healthy mitochondria are produced.
Physiology and biology have a funny way of relating to psychology and life overall. To get better, more efficient, smarter, stronger, you must do something challenging for not only letting the good flourish, but to rid of the toxic sludge.
If you’re in a rut, the easy thing to do is to stay course and live the way you’ve lived in this state. If you’re looking for progress and evolving into someone you desire to be, it takes work. Work for you is different than work for me and your neighbor down the street—something influencers on social media don’t understand. There’s so much confusion as to what is ‘right’ these days–the ‘right’ eating pattern, the ‘right’ way to exercise, the ‘right’ way to apply an avocado mask while wearing blue light glasses drinking the ‘right’ detox tea–but that’s a whole other blog post in the future. Stay tuned for that one!
You know those super cheesy, bullshit sayings “get 1% better everyday” and “live every day to the fullest”? As of late, I realized they’re not that cringy. I’m not getting a farmhouse sign put in my kitchen about it, but damn, they’re good. If you take the example from Atomic Habits by James Clear, he explains habits as compound interest of self-improvement. He did the math, not me, but if you get “1% better everyday,” you will improve 37x your baseline over a one-year period (whatever your endeavor may be). Here’s a picture for all you visual learners:
Clear, 2018
Pertaining to this whole blog, if you take two steps forward and one step back every day, you will end in the net positive over a course of time. And obviously even better if there are no steps back.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. After reading Longevity by Dr. Peter Attia and watching Limitless with Chris Hemsworth (worth the watch on Disney+!), I’ve really started to think of how I can do something today to better my life in the future. It has taken years of work, anger, guilt, tears, and every other shitty emotion to dig me out my past. Now, I ask myself in the middle of the day and evening, “what else do I need to do today to live this day to the fullest?” Sometimes it’s reading a chapter of a book, meditating, getting creative in the kitchen, going on a walk with my family, or even just having an afternoon cup of coffee. Over time, the compounding of living full days is going to lead to a full, hopefully long life.
I missed my workout today to write this blog. I wanted to write this thing during my daughter’s typical 4-hour nap, but she woke up at the two-hour mark. The old me would be thrown off, start spiraling because my plan wasn’t perfect, and the blog probably wouldn’t be finished until next week. But here I am, typing away after spending some quality play and cuddle time with my smiley baby. As I watch her back asleep in her swing, I’m thinking “What do I need right now?” I think you need to do the same.
Cheers, loves!
Katie
